Breaking the Cycle of Hot-and-Cold Relationships
“I often felt powerless in my relationships. Now here’s the thing, no matter what others do to you, you always have a choice. By staying in those relationships and not sticking up for myself, I was choosing to be a victim – even though back then this never occurred to me as a choice.”
Sometimes it's ok to forgive−and sometimes it's time to move on
People who hurt others do so because they are hurting themselves. Someone who hides and deceives their partner clearly has personal problems to work out. We all have a story and we all need healing in one domain or another. When someone does you wrong and apologizes, it’s normal to feel compassion for their clumsiness. Especially as women we want to understand the people we love. When we understand someone – and when they take responsibility for their actions and work towards restoring trust – we are eager to forgive. This is the work of love.
Love is not about how much feelings you have for him
What I had to learn is that love is more than how I feel. If you’re like me, it doesn’t matter how much love you feel for someone. What matters is whether your relationship creates love. Whether your partnership is a container of love for one another – and whether your relationship grows love-fruits. True love is simple and pure. It capitalizes on the other’s best interest. It navigates towards harmony. It is a source of deep peace. The more conscious we are of our pain and the pain of the other, the more compassion and support we can offer each other, and as a consequence, your relationship will be more harmonious and stable. And it all starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. It begins with the relationship to our individual hearts.
“Relationships serve as a stage for re-living our deepest wounds. Infatuation reveals our shadows and patterns so that we can become conscious of them. When we work through those blind-spots and heal the pain that we try to cover with our relationships, we become ready for our soul partner. Until then, our relationships are a battleground and a repetition of the same stories. These relationships inevitably lead to an end. If we manage to work through what keeps us away from true love, our soul partner will appear. And trust me, when he does, it will be so easy!”
Tips To Start Your Healing
- Become aware of your lenses of love by understanding the difference between the wounded heart that withdraws and the wounded heart that overcompensates. You can read my article here.
- Read-up on attachment theory
- Take courses and read books on self-love
- Do things that make YOU happy: spend time on hobbies, connect with fiends, and get on top of your self-care
- Learn to fill your own cup so that you don’t feel a big void that someone needs to fill up
- Let go of lovers and friends who don’t show up the way you need them to. It’s really not that hard to find people who text you back, return your calls, and have the time and desire to hang out with you.
- Let people into your life not based on how you feel about them−but how they show up for you (this will help you unlearn confusing attraction and infatuation for love)
Relationships are not always easy but there are plenty of people out there who are ready to show up for a healthy and safe relationship. It’s your time now to get clear on what you want and heal your wounds so that you are ready to connect with the right person instead of getting hooked on someone who only leaves you little crumbs of attention.
You’ve got this!
Deniz Aydoslu, MA, is an advanced certified yoga and meditation teacher and expert in the therapeutic application of yoga and somatics for mental health. She helps women heal emotionally and restore their connection to Spirit by integrating the body, heart, inner child, and soul into a meaningful whole. She offers deeply transformative work as well as simple tools to improve well-being, creativity, and productivity through fun, easy, and nourishing self-care tools.
As an experienced yoga and meditation teacher, somatic educator, and shamanic psychotherapy practitioner, she infuses her work with the healing power of love and the value of nature as medicine.