Breaking the Cycle of Hot-and-Cold Relationships

A truly loving and sacred relationship is something we all long for. If you’ve been dating unavailable men, it may seem so far away that you may have started thinking that it’s impossible for you to find true love.

I personally always struggled with relationships. Before I met my partner, I had a series of unhealthy relationships that all boiled down to the same story. I was always the one who fell head-over-heels and was all-in from day one (a typical trait for both HSPs and empaths). Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was generally met with “I’m not ready”, “I don’t believe in relationships”, or “I don’t want to be monogamous”. Many of my former boyfriends had hot-and-cold dynamics, feared commitment, were hiding things from me, or were chasing women to fill their void. My relationships were a source of unhappiness, no matter how hard I tried. This was especially hard for me as love – and a truly heart-based relationship – was something my soul was longing for. The bottom line is, no matter what some of these men put me through, all these relationships had one thing in common: me.

“I often felt powerless in my relationships. Now here’s the thing, no matter what others do to you, you always have a choice. By staying in those relationships and not sticking up for myself, I was choosing to be a victim – even though back then this never occurred to me as a choice.”

Sometimes it's ok to forgive−and sometimes it's time to move on

People who hurt others do so because they are hurting themselves. Someone who hides and deceives their partner clearly has personal problems to work out. We all have a story and we all need healing in one domain or another. When someone does you wrong and apologizes, it’s normal to feel compassion for their clumsiness. Especially as women we want to understand the people we love. When we understand someone – and when they take responsibility for their actions and work towards restoring trust – we are eager to forgive. This is the work of love.

However, we often want to forgive because deep down we need our partner’s love. We don’t want to be alone. We give love because deep down we want to be cared for in that same way. This is what makes us give our power away. We become dependent. In extreme cases, this dynamic lies at the basis of an abusive relationship.

We tend to tell ourselves so many stories that keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics. We make excuses to alleviate the pain. We tell ourselves he isn’t calling because he’s too busy. We tell ourselves that we just have to give him a bit more time. Sometimes the truth is very simple: if he treats you like he doesn’t love you, he most likely doesn’t. Other times it’s a bit more complicated. Sometimes someone does feel love but is unable to form a healthy bond and struggles to relate in a mature way. Some people’s wounding makes them lie, withdraw, manipulate, or break trust.

If you’re a fiery phoenix, you may be able to handle your partner’s nasty side and call them out on their shit. However, if you’re more like a dove, you’ll more likely feel heart-broken by what to you feels like blasphemy of the divine principle of love. If you have a gentle heart, are an HSP, have low self-esteem, suffer from anxiety or depression, ask yourself why you want something that isn’t good for you.

If someone repeatedly breaks your trust, forget your feelings for them for a moment and ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with such a person. Is this really the relationship you want for yourself? I’m being serious here, let it sink in. If you were to make a list of your ideal partner, would you write down those attitudes and behaviors as something you look for in a partner? Or as a dynamic you want from a relationship? Hell no! Then why do we so often hang on to people who aren’t good for us?

This is where YOUR work starts. Because believe me when I tell you my dear, once you heal yourself and develop enough confidence and self-worth, you won’t be putting up with shit anymore and you’ll be attracting a whole different level of man. If you are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t value you or can’t commit to you, it’s time to shift the focus away from him (your love for him, his needs, his desires, his struggles) and shift your focus onto yourself (your self-care, your needs, your desires, and your wounds). The wounds that keep you stuck in an unhealthy relationship are the obstacle AND the key to your soul’s journey.

Love is not about how much feelings you have for him

What I had to learn is that love is more than how I feel. If you’re like me, it doesn’t matter how much love you feel for someone. What matters is whether your relationship creates love. Whether your partnership is a container of love for one another – and whether your relationship grows love-fruits. True love is simple and pure. It capitalizes on the other’s best interest. It navigates towards harmony. It is a source of deep peace. The more conscious we are of our pain and the pain of the other, the more compassion and support we can offer each other, and as a consequence, your relationship will be more harmonious and stable. And it all starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. It begins with the relationship to our individual hearts.

I stubbed my toe more than once on the same stone and I had to walk with my head against the wall before I saw myself clearly. I was wasting my time on men who were too different from me, who had different values and wanted different things from life. While some of the men I dated were simply too different from me, others were just too deeply damaged. I kept making excuses for them and held on to them instead of becoming clear on what I wanted. I know many women who say that they want a committed relationship but keep attracting ‘the wrong men’. The thing is, if you really want something, you can’t just fantasize about it or use affirmations. Your actions have to be aligned with what you want. If you want a committed relationship, walk away from a man when he tells you that he ‘isn’t ready’. Say ‘no but thanks’ to a man who doesn’t text you back. Not because he’s a bad person but because he isn’t the man for you. If he isn’t ready, he won’t be in a month, a year, or even five. He will not be ready for you. He is not the one, no matter how soul-connected you feel to him.

“Relationships serve as a stage for re-living our deepest wounds. Infatuation reveals our shadows and patterns so that we can become conscious of them. When we work through those blind-spots and heal the pain that we try to cover with our relationships, we become ready for our soul partner. Until then, our relationships are a battleground and a repetition of the same stories. These relationships inevitably lead to an end. If we manage to work through what keeps us away from true love, our soul partner will appear. And trust me, when he does, it will be so easy!”

Before I met my partner, I went through a deep process. I finally really aligned my every thought and action with what I really wanted from life. For the first time, I saw things so clearly. It felt as though I had pierced the veil and illusion of all my romantic endeavors. And then, the moment I least expected it, he showed up. For the first time, I entered into a relationship with my bullshit detector fully activated – but what I found was a man with a pure heart, good intentions, and the resolve to love me.

This doesn’t mean that when your partner shows up it will be all smooth sailing. Quentin and I went through phases where we were re-aligning things within ourselves and within our relationship. I remember that we worked through some issues during our first year together. Anything that wasn’t fully aligned would sooner or later come to the foreground so that we could find a solution to it. And we did. With every single thing. One by one we cleared everything that was creating disharmony on our path. Until there was no need to argue about anything anymore. Laughter, playfulness, and tenderness are our relationship’s best friend. If your arguments and discussions make you grow and strengthen your relationship, you are on the right track. When challenging moments in your relationship lead to more harmony, your relationship is flourishing. The foundation of a healthy relationship is being on the same side and looking in the same direction.

If you want to attract your soul partner, my advice would be to start by creating space for your heart-pain. Look at the stories you are living out and what hides underneath them. Get your life in order and do what makes you happy. Give yourself everything you want to receive from a relationship and fill your cup.

Start living the life YOU want−and he/she will show up.

Tips To Start Your Healing

Here are a few things that you can look more into to become aware of your patterns, start healing your wounds, and attract a healthy relationship. Because you soooo deserve it. We are meant to live in connection and have loving, intimate, supportive, and safe relationships.

Become aware of your lenses of love by understanding the difference between the wounded heart that withdraws and the wounded heart that overcompensates. You can read my article here.
Read-up on attachment theory
Take courses and read books on self-love
Do things that make YOU happy: spend time on hobbies, connect with fiends, and get on top of your self-care
Learn to fill your own cup so that you don’t feel a big void that someone needs to fill up
Let go of lovers and friends who don’t show up the way you need them to. It’s really not that hard to find people who text you back, return your calls, and have the time and desire to hang out with you.
Let people into your life not based on how you feel about them−but how they show up for you (this will help you unlearn confusing attraction and infatuation for love)

Relationships are not always easy but there are plenty of people out there who are ready to show up for a healthy and safe relationship. It’s your time now to get clear on what you want and heal your wounds so that you are ready to connect with the right person instead of getting hooked on someone who only leaves you little crumbs of attention.

You’ve got this!

Deniz

Deniz Aydoslu, MA, is an advanced certified yoga and meditation teacher and expert in the therapeutic application of yoga and somatics for mental health. She helps women heal emotionally and restore their connection to Spirit by integrating the body, heart, inner child, and soul into a meaningful whole. She offers deeply transformative work as well as simple tools to improve well-being, creativity, and productivity through fun, easy, and nourishing self-care tools.

As an experienced yoga and meditation teacher, somatic educator, and shamanic psychotherapy practitioner, she infuses her work with the healing power of love and the value of nature as medicine.