Walk Away from Any Relationship that
Isn't In Your Highest Purpose
We all have the power to destroy each other. Especially the ones we love.
If you’re the empathetic type who has difficulties setting boundaries, I’m sure you’ve suffered hurt and betrayal. The funny thing is how often we—in spite of suffering—cling on to what hurts us. “This person cheated on me BUT I WON’T LET HIM/HER GO.” We think it’s love, but the truth is, it’s lack of self-esteem. When we are hurt, one person seeks revenge and plots to hurt his wrong do-er. Someone else finds himself on the sinking ship of victimhood—but both of them are holding on. Neither of them chooses themselves.
A person’s actions are always a reflection of where they are with themselves. Striking back only gives the short-lived satisfaction of revenge. Holding on to them only further weakens your self-esteem. What does it take before you start putting yourself first? What needs to happen before you will choose yourself?
“So many people are not happy in their relationships. You’d be surprised how much people put up with in the name of love. “
The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with any type of relationship or any type of relating. The question is: what type of relationship DO YOU want and need? When we haven’t faced our shadows and traumas, we tend to attract the relationships that reflect and re-enforce them. It’s a psychological and spiritual disaster.
If you’re not attracting the type or model of relationship you want, ask yourself first: what are my fundamental needs which I cannot compromise on?
Then, walk away from anyone who isn’t into what you’re into. NO MATTER how hot he/she is, how much you love him/her, how great you think he/she is.
Relationship is not about your feelings of love, your infatuation, your admiration. A mature person with an open heart has the capacity to love many people. Relationship is about partnership. It’s about CHOOSING to walk your life together. EVERY.DAY.AGAIN. It’s about a deep unspoken commitment that you feel inside your heart.
I know so many women—and I was one of them—who make excuses for how a man treats them.
“He’s just not looking for a relationship right now, but he really loves me.” That’s great, but if you ARE looking for a relationship, walk the other way. That’s what love is. Love him, but from a distance. Love him, but don’t create a one-sided relationship with him. While this may be a more common pattern for women, let’s not hold on to a stereotype. I know that many men will recognize themselves in this description too.
“I noticed again that he’s been lying to me, but it’s because he had such a difficult childhood and he’s working on it.” If you feel happy with your relationship, that’s great. But if you’re suffering and you need a man by your side who doesn’t lie …. walk the other way. “He gets bored easily and needs different partners. I guess being in an open relationship helps us to practice detachment and true love.” Stop making excuses and fooling yourself. If you want and choose to be in an open relationship, that’s great! Enjoy the adventure. But if your heart closes, you’re suffering, or you feel less peace in your soul … stop lying to yourself. This is not love, it’s the face of childhood trauma, the little monster called lack of self-esteem. Sometimes relationships do require compromises. The thing to keep in mind is that whatever the compromise is, it needs to work for both partners. Our agreements need to support the relationship so that the relationship and both partners individually can thrive.
“You CAN have what you want. But you first have to start walking away from what you don’t want.“
And this is the problem. Many of us vaguely know what we want. Unfortunately, life often doesn’t show us that what we want IS possible. That’s because your patterns keep re-creating a life which you are no longer willing to live.
If you tell the universe “hmmm, it’s not really what I want but I’ll put up with it because I love him/her” (aka, you’d rather settle for less than be lonely) you’re sending out total mixed messages to the universe AND it will lower your sel-esteem.
Become clear on what you want and keep saying “no thank you” until the universe fine-tunes and offers you what you want.
Yes, it may mean being alone for a while. It may mean dealing with your loneliness. But guess what, spending time alone and working on becoming your own best friend is the best investment you will ever make!
Investing in yourself and making self-care a priority works miracles. My clients who have gone through my Radical Self-Care Intensive program can attest to this. If they can change their lives, there’s no reason why you can’t.
Deniz Aydoslu, MA, is an advanced certified yoga and meditation teacher and expert in the therapeutic application of yoga and somatics for mental health. She helps women heal emotionally and restore their connection to Spirit by integrating the body, heart, inner child, and soul into a meaningful whole. She offers deeply transformative work as well as simple tools to improve well-being, creativity, and productivity through fun, easy, and nourishing self-care tools.
As an experienced yoga and meditation teacher, somatic educator, and shamanic psychotherapy practitioner, she infuses her work with the healing power of love and the value of nature as medicine.